Keira Moran Episode 19 - 'Carry on Locating'
'Carry On' comedy chuckles
4.4.1 Keira Moran
F/X: INT. FLICK AND JACK ARE IN RECEPTION OF CAMP SITE-MIDDAY. JACK RINGS BELL ON THE DESK.
JACK: Hi there, we're from Default Settings here to have a look around the site as a possible filming location.
RECEPTIONIST: Oh I'm afraid we've already booked ourselves out to a company called, urm…
JACK: (with urgency) Called?
RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes they wrote it down here, PDQ Locators.
JACK: I knew it! This is getting ridiculous. How on earth are they finding all this stuff out about us?!
FLICK: Search me?
JACK: Liv is not going to be impressed! I'd better go and give her a call.
FLICK : Ok I'm just going to pop to the loo.
JACK: Right, I'll see you in the car.
4.4.2
F/X: FLICK IN TOILET PHONING THE RIVAL COMPANY-PDQ LOCATORS. SHE GETS THE ANSWER PHONE.
FLICK: (Slightly annoyed) Uhh, I've got your answer phone again! But good work getting to the camp site before us. They're getting really frustrated, they know that they're going to lose the contract to you guys at this rate. Keep trailing us, there's some really good info in the car, I'll try and engineer a way of leaving the car unlocked and the keys….
F/X: ON FLICKS LAST FEW WORDS CROSS FADE.
4.4.3
F/X: INT. DEFAULT SETTINGS-OLIVIA'S OFFICE.
OLIVIA: Right, thanks very much Jack!
F/X: OLIVIA SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE.
OLIVIA: Bad news, I just got off the phone with Jack, we have just lost another site to PDQ.
COLIN: Not another one!
OLIVIA: I know. I don't understand how they are doing it! I've got a lot of phone calls to make to try and save the Carry On Project, so I'll see you later.
COLIN: Yeah, ok I'll leave you to it.
F/X: COLIN EXITS OLIVIA'S OFFICE, RE-ENTERING THE MAIN OFFICE.
COLIN: (To himself) Something strange is definitely happening around here, and Jack and Flick must be involved!
4.4.4
F/X: INT. JACK AND FLICK ARE IN THE CAR. IT IS NOW LATE-ABOUT 10.30.
JACK: Are you sure it was right?
FLICK: Yes that's what the map says!
F/X: CAR COMES TO A STAND STILL. JACK GRABS THE MAP.
JACK: It's upside down Flick!
FLICK: Ooops!
JACK: Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that we have been going around in circles for hours. (v. short pause) I swear that car's being following us for ages.
FLICK: (Nervously) What are you talking about, that's a different car! Anyway, perhaps we should stop and ask for directions?
JACK: Hmm, maybe you're right. We could ask them for directions?
FLICK: NO! I mean no, well they could be anyone Jack!
JACK: OK, ok, keep you're hair on. Well where do you propose I should pull in?
FLICK: How about just here, it looks like some sort of B & B?
JACK: (Under breath) Anything to shut you up!
FLICK: What was that?!
JACK: I said anything to keep you happy my dearest!
4.4.5.
F/X: INT. RECEPTION OF B & B. THEY RING THE BELL FOR ATTENTION.
JACK: Hello?!
RECEPTIONIST: (Has an eccentric/weird element to him, he says this slowly like he's always been there) Hello.
FLICK: (Begins slowly taking on his weirdness) Hi, we were just wondering if you know how we would get back to Canterbury from here.
RECEPTIONIST: (Slowly) No.
JACK: (Frustrated with him) What did you say? Look mate…
FLICK: (Interrupts Jack) Jack is that our car being driven away?!
JACK: Oh no!!
F/X: JACK RUNS OUT OF THE RECEPTION TO EXT. AND ATTEMPTS TO CHASE THE CAR. FLICK FOLLOWS.
JACK: (Calling after the car) Oi! Stop! Come back here…
FLICK: (Calling after him) Jack he's gone!
F/X: FLCIK GOES OVER TO HIM.
FLICK: Did you not lock it?!
JACK: Well, I think I did.
FLICK: Oh no, my mobile is in there!
JACK: And mine!
RECEPTIONIST: (Calling out to them, slowly) Something the matter?!
F/X: FLICK AND JACK APPROACH THE RECEPTIONIST.
FLICK: Urm I don't suppose we could use your phone?
RECEPTIONIST: (Slowly) No, awful storm yesterday, cable blown down.
JACK: I guess we'll have to stay here for tonight.
FLICK: I can't believe this!
JACK: Do you have a spare room?
FLICK: Two, separate rooms please!
JACK: Don't pretend this isn't a dream come true for you Flick!
FLICK: Please I wou….
RECEPTIONIST: (Interrupting Flick) No.
JACK: (Frustrated) Whar do you mean no?
RECEPTIONIST: (Slowly) No room at all, camping plots.
FLICK: Camping, no way!
JACK: Call it location research Flick. We'll take it.
4.6.4
F/X: EXT. OWLS /DISTANT DOGS ETC. GETTING ON TO MIDNIGHT. FLICK AND JACK TRY TO SET UP THEIR TENT. WE HEAR THEM STRUGGLING. JACK STARTS UNDER THE CANVAS.
FLICK: This is taking forever, I'm freezing!
JACK: Well, just as well you've got me to keep you warm tonight then isn't it?!
F/X: GENERAL STRUGGLING.
JACK: Oww, Flick, watch where you're sticking that thing!
FLICK: Ohhh, fine you come and show me how to stick the pole up then will you!
F/X: JACK EMERGES FROM THE CANVAS AS HE SAYS THE FOLLOWING LINE.
JACK: Oh, I am an expert at sticking poles up!
FLICK: I thought it was supposed to be easy to put these things up.
JACK: Ah it is, it's getting them to stay up that's the hard part.
FLICK: Oh, I've never done it before. Do yours always stay up? I don't want it flopping down on us in the middle of the night!
JACK: Oh mine always stay up!
F/X: WE HERE STRUGGLING SOUNDS AS THEY TRY TO PUT THE TENT UP.
FLICK: Yes finally it's up!
JACK: So it is!
FLICK: Well I think that was a good team effort.
JACK: It's easy when you're so well equipped!