'Space Detectives' - radio soap 2002
'Chip World'.
3.1.1.
Ship Control Room.
Dave, Angel and Silica.
Driving the ship while talking. The words in italics should be said in
an official manner to contradict their personal discussion.
1 FX:Radio as external sound, We Go With Radio.
2 FX: Music Ident.
3 ETFM: (softly spoken lady over cheesy debenhams music) Can't get to
grips with your hand? Thinking of a new brain? Come to ChipWorld....We've
got
DNA samples and Brain-Microchips from all your favourite celebrities from
the last 1000 years. At very reasonable prices. Enjoy a glass of MoonRiverWater
on arrival.
Chip World- Feel like a new you!
(quickly) Your BrainChip is at risk if you do not keep up payments on all
DNA purchases. Chip World cannot be held responsible for any loss or damage
of personal mechanism or your natural DNA make- up while using our products.
4 FX: Music, We Go With Ship. SFX: Control Room (computer sounds).
5 Dave: (in his best Captain Kirk voice) This is Dave Mumford logging
on as Navigator.... Ship in drive mode. (normal voice) I've always wanted
to say that.
6 SFX: Typing into computer, beeping to show starting up.
7 Silica: You're only getting a go because you need the practice.
Silica logging on as navigation SUPERVISOR.
8 SFX: As 7, Door opens.
9 Angel: (walking in) Angel logging on as driver.
10 SFX: As 7, Commercial Sting ( Music)
11 ETFM: Just in- Buy Kylie's eyelashes and get her fingernails free!
12 Dave: Well, I know which parts of Kylie I'd like to buy!
13 Silica: Dave, navigate.
14 Dave: I Know what I'm doing..er..(as if looking over equipment, randomly)
Angel- 375 Degree Left Turn.
15 SFX: Buttons being pressed, and beeping of computer taking command.
Ship turning left, clonking to show it wasn't the wisest choice.
16 Angel: 375 Degrees, Left turn taken. I don't think you understand
about ChipWorld, Dave. It's for Humanoids, to hire or buy new body
components.
(Giggles) I think you'd feel a bit silly having some of Kylie's parts!
17 Dave: Oh, I'm sure I'd know what to do with them!
18 Angel: What?
19 Silica: (under her breath) It's like Begging for dirty talk from the
Christmas Fairy. (Know it all) Presley, activate the visual database on
'Chip World'.
20 Presley: Activated.
21 SFX: Database starting up, followed by sounds to give the impression
that the group are seeing a virtual tour.
22 Silica: See, the celebrities are laid out like the mannequins in
your old- fashioned department stores on Earth. You select which part of
them you'd like. That should have been a 345 Degree, right turn by- the-
way. Angel, do it please.
23 SFX: Angel typing command into computer, beeping noises to show command
is accepted. Ship turning right
24 Angel:345 Degrees, Right turn taken.
25 Dave: So it's like plastic surgery for robots?
26 Silica: Plastic surgery? Why make yourself look plastic? The human look
is so in. (longing)
27 Dave: Resume left turn 375 Degree Turn, I am following the Navigator
Sensiton.
28 FX: (Angel typing command into computer, beeping noises to show
command is accepted. Ship turning left)
29 Angel: (confused) 375 Degrees left taken
30 FX: (Rumbling and glonking to show the ship is tipping about.)
31 Silica: (defensively) But I don't care about stuff like that. I just
like to use Chip World to look after my appearance. Presley- Shut down
the Chip
World database. They sell great stuff to (suggestively) enhance your features.
32 (FX of database closing down and computer resuming to usual sounds.)
33 Dave: You mean...they're not real? But they're so....its a work of
art!
(shocked 'um's' until 47)
34 Silica: (Proud) I know.
35 Angel: Dave, there's a star cluster 3.4 yards up ahead. Which way should
I go?
36 Silica: (laughing) You didn't think these were mine?! Pamela Anderson
circa 2017: Boob job 7. Any date after that looked so 'bargain
basement', gravitational pull really got the better of that poor girl.
37 Angel: Guys....
38 Silica and Dave: What!?
39 Angel: Which way?!
40 Dave: Left!
41 Silica: Right!
42 FX: (screeching sound of metal work being scratched, rumbling
noises as Angel tries to steer the ship.)
43 Silica: (Walking out) I can't work with amateurs.
44 Dave: But you....
45 Computer: Loss of 4 paint layers on North East Side, section 12 G. Crew,
incoming message from Zelda.
46 ZELDA (Boss): Dave, your navigating leaves a lot to be desired, doesn't
it?! Crew are required as of 09.00 hours tomorrow for new assignment. Location
is Planet
Chip World, I will be in negotiations all afternoon with the Deputy manager.
This is an important job, guys, Chip World's a huge company, it could bring
lots of business our way.
47 Computer: Message complete
46 Dave: Weird that we were just taking about it, you must be psychic computer?
47 Computer: Telepathic capabilities are not in my hard drive.
(END OF SCENE)
3.1.2.
Zelda's's Office.
Zelda and Maggie Nifficent.
Zelda is talking to Maggie through a video phone while she takes notes
about the call on her computer. Maggie Nifficent is talking to
her through a video phone.
1 Zelda: Mrs Nifficent, I'm not sure we can help you.
2 Maggie: Please, call me Maggie.
3 Zelda: Maggie. I'm not sure we have the equipment to keep this assignment
as top secret as you'd like.
4 Maggie: Please, you have to help me. You're the best detective team in
the galaxy.
5 Zelda: I know. But we don't own the invisibility inducing costumes that
would definitely be needed in the confidential investigation field. They
cost
a semi- galactic fortune. We would get seen.
6 Mrs Nervous: You have to remain discreet! I am only the deputy manager,
I shouldn't even be talking to you. My boss- Victor Steel- would sack me
if he
knew I was hiring you.
7 Zelda: Why hasn't he come to us himself?
6 Maggie: He likes to have control of everything in Chip World. I think
he'd have fired me a long while ago, if he wasn't so lazy- he makes me
do
everything round here.
9 Zelda: So, why isn't he as concerned as you that some one is plotting
to steel your K62 Micro chip? From what you say, without it, Chip World
couldn't run.
10 Maggie: That's right. The K62 contains the data base of every DNA formula
we've discovered- without it we wouldn't be able to reproduce our products
for retail.
11 Zelda: (getting impatient) Yes, but you're not making sense- why the
secrecy?
12 Maggie: You don't understand...It's Victor Steel I suspect
(END OF SCENE)
3.1.3.
Equipment storage Room - Dave and Spinner. - Warehouse interior.
1 Dave: What on earth is all this junk?
2 Spinner: This 'junk' is some of the most advanced crime investigative
equipment of the 3rd Millennium. Sensors that could trace a mouse's heart
beat from 2 Miles, Legs which mean the humanoid wearing them can run faster
than a carnivore megatron.
3 FX: (Dave rooting through equipment, as it clatters)
4 Dave: Junk
5 Bryan: You're supposed to be helping me look, not making a mess.
6 Dave: Surely an 'invisibilty' outfit is going to be pretty hard to find?
7 Spinner: Zelda's not sure that we even have one in here, she just wanted
us to check. (realised what Dave's just said doesn't make sense)
They're not
invisible until you program them, I thought you used this sort of equipment
all the time?
8 Dave: Yeah! An expert, me! Everyone knows what an invisibility outfit
looks like!
9 Yeah!
10 Yeah! Here it is!
11 That's a wet suit, Dave.
12 Dave: (nervous laugh) I Can't wait to see this Chip World place; women
for sale? Sounds great!
13 Spinner: Keep looking, Dave. Try those shelves over there. Only humanoids
use Chip World, real girls don't need to.
14 Dave: Every girl's a real girl to me, as long as they've got a nice
pair of....
15 Spinner: Dave! Try empathising with the emotional composition of a female
once in a while. Take Silica, for instance, all that rubbish about using
'Chip World' purely to maintain her looks.... deep down she dreams to be
human but is too proud to admit it.
16 Dave: She looks all right to me, with those circa 2017's on display!
17 Spinner: It's all a front. Human females- desirable- they're real, Get
it? Silica doesn't care what it is, any female trait and she'll buy it.
18 Dave: Like Angel....
19 Spinner: Don't know what you mean.
20 Dave: You fancy Angel.
21 Spinner: I'm talking about Silica, but she doesn't know about the job
yet, she's still in her room.
22 Dave: She really needs a bit of Davey-love to relax her.
23 Spinner: Is that all you ever think about?
24 Dave: I like to think so, yeah.
(END OF SCENE)
3.1.4
Silica's room
Silica.
She's on the telephone.
1 Spot: Picking up receiver. Dialling.
2 Silica: Hello, 'Chip World'? Yes... I put in an order for some (as
if strange phrase) 'pre-menstrual tension' and just wondered if any had
come
in yet?
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