'The Magic Detectives'
Magic Detective Agency
Characters
MOTHER
Josh Crockford (Josh 'The Crook' Crockford) - young Yuppie owner of coffee
shop next door
[Dave] - Geek Boy
Roselyn Swank - mysterious caller to Detective Agency
1-1-1
MOTHER: (monologue) Names and places have been changed for the protection of the persons involved. But - actually - they haven't. What you're about to hear all took place just now in Canterbury. I'm [Mother]. You can still find my costume hire shop in Castle Street.
You are welcome to stroll through the racks of the costumes - hope you
find something you like -
[Mother's voice in the shop acoustic]
Pirate's ship-mate - very 'Pirate of the Carribean'
[Effects from this film or such-like]
Hallowe'en selection - very 'Scary Movie'
[effects]
And we offer an epic range from artificial ancient Rome
[from 'Gladiator']
To bogus but beguiling ancient Britain
[from 'King Arthur']
and mock Mediterranean
[from 'Alexander']
[mother's voice now in the acoustic of the back room & back room
effects]
And here we are in my back parlour.
[sitting down or some movement]
Settle in so you can hear my secret. This is really a detective agency
- here! And what is more - a MAGIC detective agency. Canterbury's first.
Maybe a first for Great Britain - but I can't be too sure about Cornwall
and the Isle of Man.
Business has been falling off - and I just got back home from a holiday
in the sun -
[Mother coming in to back room from holiday - pressing ansaphone]
ANSAPHONE: You have 39 messages.
MOTHER: Alarm bells should have started ringing. That's my age!
ANSAPHONE: First message -
MOTHER: There were the familiar complaining voices. Mostly my landlord
- cheeky Yuppy next door - just inherited the coffee shop - Josh Crockford.
ANSAPHONE: Eleventh message -
JOSH CROCKFORD: This is a reminder. You are now two month's rent overdue
-
MOTHER: We call him Josh 'The Crook' Crockford -
ANSAPHONE: Fifteenth message -
JOSH CROCKFORD: As you are still away, I have left some 'material' for
storage in your - my - premises. Do not under any circumstances -
MOTHER: Oh yes? Can't see any boxes around here -
ANSAPHONE: Twenty-second message -
JOSH CROCKFORD: Packages have not been removed. Ignore previous six messages.
(He does bad Michael Caine impression from 'The Italian Job') You
have never heard nothing about the bloody bullion. (self-satisfied but
more threatening) But I'm still telling you - pay the bloody rent!
MOTHER: I don't have to run a detective agency to work out that Josh
the Crook really wants me out! He aims to knock through the wall from
his rapidly expanding business -
ANSAPHONE: Twenty-third message -
DAVE: Dave here - listen to me! - don't press the ansaphone button on
me! -
MOTHER: (pressing ANSAPHONE button) My assistant in the Magic Detective
Agency -
DAVE: (exasperated) Yes - I HAVE realised that you are not yet back from
your Greek island - not on the date you pre-arranged with me - (continues
under - Mother talks over this) but I have managed to solve three of the
cases -
MOTHER: (inbreath and with desire) Well - there was a Mediterranean type
involved - I say WAS involved - (Regretful) Oh well! - (presses on button
again)
ANSAPHONE: Twenty-fourth message -
DAVE: In case you haven't bothered to listen to the last message - and
I know what you're like back from holiday - got an olive tan? - (mother
over this following) - we have no more customers left, no cases, no incoming
income, you know what that means?
MOTHER: (pressing a button repeatedly) - How to avoid personal disappointment
on an island holiday, self-catering and single? And maintain your personal
integrity? NEVER SPEAK TO ANYONE!
ANSAPHONE: Thirty-fifth message -
DAVE: My computing magic only goes so far. We owe everyone everything.
Your holiday credit bills are flying home now. Any reason you've started
drinking so much again?
MOTHER: Cocktails and laughter - but what comes after?
DAVE: Drinking for old times' sake? I know you have a lot of old times
-
MOTHER: Saucy boy! But strictly correct I suppose. I am only 39 earth
years. There have been other times and other planets - I did tell you this
is a MAGIC detective agency?
ANSAPHONE: Thirty-sixth message -
DAVE: I know you're not listening. Here's the deal - financial ruin,
no credit and probably no business left. Josh the Crook has a bulldozer
parked in the street.
MOTHER: And did I tell you my assistant's bionic? Part-human, part-computer
- his right arm. But he's no Harry Potter to the rescue, worse luck.
ANSAPHONE: Thirty-seventh message -
ROSELYN SWANK: [in computerised voice - can we make out whether
this is male or female - probably not] This is the only message you'll
get from me on the phone.
MOTHER: Funny voice?
ROSELYN SWANK: Look at your e-mails.
ANSAPHONE: Thirty-eighth message -
ROSELYN SWANK: This is NOW definitely the last message you'll
get from me - Why won't you look at your e-mails?
MOTHER: Can't recognise the voice - male or female? (suddenly
realising and hoping) And that's a customer? That's business??
ANSAPHONE: Thirty-ninth message -
MOTHER: (even more hopeful) My age in earth years -
ROSELYN SWANK: E-mail NOW!
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