Mike and the Mechanic - Melanie Spence - Winner 2005
SFX: CAR ENGINE CHUGS AND AND DIES
Mike: (Blast!)
SFX: STEPS WALKING ALONG LANE. SOUNDS OF GARAGE FADE IN
Mike: Hello? Hello, is there anybody there? I've had a bit of bother just
along the lane there. Can someone take a look at my … hello?
Mechanic: 'Right, boy?
Mike: Huh? Oh, oh there you are. Yes, yes, I was wondering if you could
take a look at the Focus. Its rather ground to a halt, I'm afraid and I'm
due back in London this evening.
Mechanic: Focus on what, boy?
Mike: I'm sorry, focus? Oh, the Ford! Yes, Ford Focus. It's only round
the corner. Lucky it stopped where it did, I suppose, so it'd be great
if you could? Take a look?
Mechanic: Oh, right, huh! Well, I got a lot on 'safternoon, see? Dunno
if Sid's free, o' course, 'ang on; Sid!? You busy?!
Sid: Mmmuh
Mechanic: Not free then?
Sid: Mmmuh
Mechanic: You're looking at tomorrow really. Shall I put you in for four?
Mike: I'm so sorry, but I simply must get back this evening. It's imperative
I make a governor's meeting at eight tomorrow and I simply can't attend
without revising my notes. I can see you're swamped, but I'm almost certain
it's just a tiny tweak she needs. Perhaps I could make it worth your while?
SFX: SPANNER DROPS TO FLOOR
Mechanic: Now I don't know what you've been told but there's no funny business
to be done round here. I'm not interested in your favours or fine talk.
First come first served. That's Minty Motors' way and that's how it's always
been. I'm not about to change fifty years' tradition and hard graft just
for you, boy.
Mike: Fifty pounds, just take a look.
Mechanic: Fifty pounds? I've never been so insulted … Father would
turn in his grave … Where is she then?
SFX: Tinkering spanner
Mike: Oh, dear, hope you've not found too much in there?!
BEAT
Mechanic: Nope.
Mike: Ahh. Anything?
BEAT
Mechanic: Nope
Mike: And that's good right?
BEAT
Mechanic: Hmmmmmmmm.
Mike: I mean there really shouldn't be too much wrong I only took it in
for a service last month. At the dealer garage.
Mechanic: Oh? Pricey?
Mike: Ahh, well, but they're ever so good. They know me now, see?
Mechanic: Bet they do. Bet they see you comin'.
Mike: Well, precisely. I've been using them for years. Still, doesn't beat
knowing the trade, I suppose. I say the same to Tyrone at the Ford place.
I'd love to understand more about cars really.
Mechanic: Pays the bills I suppose. Keeps things tickin' over.
Mike: Gosh. You're so accepting of your lot. Don't get me wrong but I just
couldn't be like that.
Mechanic: Aah, well, I get by. I was Thimbleton mechanic of the Year 1987,
you know. Plaque's on the wall, by me tea box. What do you do then, boy?
Mike: Well, I'm in business. And very proud. I work in computer sciences.
Mechanic: Science? Well, I used to pay attention in biology. Ay? Ha! A
few dissections behind the bikesheds? That what your degree's in. Ay?
SFX: THE SOUND OF A NUT BEING TIGHTENED AT INCREASING RATE
Mike: Aahh, now … aaah, No. I mean, (collects himself) I work for
an ISP but I do mostly formatting with some HTML.
Mechanic: Oh don't talk to me about chemistry, boy, tis bad enough you've
gotta be electrician to be a mechanic these days. Ah, 'ang on what's this
….?
SFX: A CREAKING, FOLLOWED BY LOTS OF METAL FALLING ONTO
THE GROUND
Mike: What on Earth?
Mechanic: Nope. That's not it. (continues) No, it must be very glamorous
to live the high life like you. Nice white overalls in your lab, then off
out in the evening. Penguin suits and a beautiful wife.
Mike: Oh, I'm not married. Not me! Just my bachelor flat and my botox.
I mean! Aahhhh. Well, just between you and me, it is very good. You know,
I'm sure I'll get married one day, settle down and all the rest, but until
then I need to keep that youthful man about town persona.
Mechanic: And your …
Mike: 42 next birthday.
Mechanic: … and your dealer gave you the all clear last month you
say?
Mike: Oh. Well, yes.
Mechanic: Well you're fresh from a crime scene you are! This chap obviously
likes buggerin' you.
Mike: I beg your pardon?! He's a fine mechanic and nothing more. Tyrone
has served me very well over the years. My God, you didn't even know what
a Focus wa …
Mechanic: … that shassy'd not had a finger laid on it for years, boy.
I'm not surprised your engine's dead.
SFX: STEAM IS HEARD HISSING
Mike: It's the very nature of cars to go wrong. This is a Ford Garage
I'm talking about. The quality of service is carried in the name.
Mechanic: Smooth service he give you, ay? Ha! 'Smooth operator …'
Still you're some high flier. S'pose you can afford his services every
three years.
Mike: Well … every six months, actually. That's what they recommend.
And high flier? Me? I mean, I really live very modestly. It's all I can
do to afford a new pair of specs these days.
Mechanic: That so?
Mike: Oh yes. Spekky Quick, these. On offer actually, though I do find
the wrap around frame surprisingly comfortable and lightweight. I mean
these modern frames, and not to mention the lenses. It's a real treat to
focus on your monitor, eight hours solid and not feel like you've got a
couple of bottle ends to peer through as well.
Mechanic: Complete burn out.
Mike: Yes I suppose you could call it that. Though surely PCs can't be
the only culprit. I mean strip lighting, home entertainment, too many late
nights. (and early mornings) Nearly everyone wears glasses these days.
Don't they?
Mechanic: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.
Mike: I know. But you've got to accept these things. It's just life!
Mechanic: This Tyrone of yours, ever use … oil?
Mike: Now listen here! There's nothing between us! Oh, give me the keys,
will you!
Mechanic: Well, you wont be driving. Your engine's run bone dry, boy.
Mike: *$@)!!! Eeeuuurgh! (fades)
SFX: BACK ATMOS OF BIRD SONG FADES OUT. SOUND OF SMALL TRAIN
STATION FADES IN - TANNOY ETC.
Mike: Aah, yes hello. Next train to London please. The 9.48.? Yes please.
One way ticket. Business class.
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