'Crime Crackers' Episode 16
4.1.1
GRAMS JAZZ / SAXAPHONE MUSIC
FX TYPING ON COMPUTER, CARRIES ON UNDER DIALOGUE
LAVINIA Names and places have been changed and for the protection of the people involved names and places have been changed to protect his identity. Well, actually they haven't, what you are about to hear are the adventures of Lavinia in Dating Land. I don't like worrying, it'll only give me wrinkles but thirty-nine is a reason for me to take a deep breath and take the plunge. Let me lay before you the list of talent that is widely available for any lucky, lonely lady on the Internet, the bad, the awful and the ugly.
GRAMS DREAM SEQUENCE MUSIC CROSS FADE INTO CARNIVAL STYLE MUSIC
LAVINIA Step right up folks and see specimen number one; does anything strike you about this likely lad, apart from the obvious?
FX TYPING STOPS FADE TO PARK ATMOS
CLIVE I see you're wearing a red carnation, you must be Lavinia?
LAVINIA That's right, you must be Clive?
CLIVE I hope you like picnics, I know this little secluded spot in the park near the pond, we can have secluded meal and no one will disturb us.
LAVINIA Sounds amazing.
LAVINIA It's really a really lovely evening with you, not many men I know would go to all the trouble of making such an extravagant a picnic lunch for a first date.
CLIVE If you let me give me a kiss we'll call it even.
FX KISSING
LAVINIA I'm sure doing this kind of thing in a public place is illegal.
CLIVE No one can see us; you need to learn to live dangerously. You said in your ad that you were open to new experiences.
LAVINIA I think the champagne's gone to my head, I don't normally do this kind of thing, but I'm all for new experiences. Wait a minute.
CLIVE What is it?
LAVINIA Oh my…there's man over in those bushes recording us with a camera, quickly, get your mobile and call the police!CLIVE Don't worry, that's just my mate Sid, give him a wave!
LAVINIA What do you mean, give him a wave? You mean you knew he was there all along?
FX FADE TO OFFICE ATMOS, TYPING OVER DIALOGUE
LAVINIA That's right folks, he had a friend in the bushes recording our date; what an erotic wing nut he turned out to be. Then there is the truly ugly…
GRAMS DREAM SEQUENCE MUSIC CROSS FADE INTO CARNIVAL STYLE MUSIC
The tax inspector who took his love of facts and figures too seriously and put name, age, and how many dates she went on with each person (men and women... but that's another story.)
FX ADDING MACHINE UNDER DIALOGUE
You'd think a woman of my experience would know better wouldn't you? Then the truly awful was my last romantic folly with the art dealer that ended tragically short when he was arrested for art theft.
FX CELL DOOR BANGS
You'd think with my record I'd never want to date again; I'm down but I'm not out…I've kissed a lot of frogs so I must be near my prince…tonight I have a date and this time, it's personal.
GRAMS BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN - GENE AUTRY
FADE
4.1.2
FX ATMOS FROM ROWDY BAR
GRAMS CHEESY MUSIC AND DJ BANTER THROUGH OUT
LAVINIA Look around us - this country has become a nation of binge drinkers.
JADE Fabulous! I'll have a pint of their best binge please.
LAVINIA And why does the music have to be so loud? I can't hear myself think.
JADE I think it's great! Why did you pick this place if you hate it so much?
JADE You're always talking about this place so I thought I'd give it a go; my back seems to go out more than I do lately.
JADE That reminds me, we need to organise a big shindig for your upcoming birthday.
LAVINIA It will not be spoken of…the terrifying four oh! (GROANS)
JADE You need to party my friend, like you said live life to the full.
LAVINIA Never, that would mean giving in and brand myself with the 'F' word. I backing the 'Just Say No to Forty Campaign'
JADE I think you'll find it's the 'Just Say No to Drugs Campaign'.
LAVINIA Then I'll start it. What's the good of a rite-of-passage party proclaiming that I am stuck somewhere between forty and death? I mean, when a couple have been married for forty years they get ruby; what does a divorced forty-year-old woman get?
JADE Do you want an honest answer?
LAVINIA Will it hurt?
JADE Yes it will.
LAVINIA Then no, I don't want an honest answer.
JADE I think it is my obligation, nay my duty to arrange you the most fabulous party of you're life. Please just say 'yes'!
LAVINIA You do that and I'll be the one out the back with the gun in my mouth. You know they start to hide the lifebelts after you hit forty?
JADE My mum turned forty like a big girl and now it's your turn With every breath left in my fabulous body I will plan a party you will never forget.
LAVINIA I may do when the dementia sets in.
JADE (LAUGHS) Will you please just stop?
LAVINIA Ok I give in, on certain conditions; nobody mentions the words 'forty' and 'old maid'.
JADE I promise! I'll text all your friends right away.
LAVINIA I keep meaning to get into that texting - what is it really?
JADE It's like writing the party invitations; only you don't have to spell correctly.
FX MUSIC STOPS
DJ We have a birthday in the house tonight, Gemma has reached the grand old age of twenty-five, have a good night grandma!
LAVINIA Ok, that does it I'm leaving.
JADE Oh Lav!
FADE
4.1.3
FX RESTAURANT ATMOS
GRAMS GENTLE ORIENTAL MUSIC
LAVINIA Sushi? You brought me to a sushi restaurant?
DEVON I'm sorry, are you allergic to fish? I'm sure that in your ad you said you liked what sounded like sushi?
LAVINIA You have no idea how many problems that advert has caused me! (ASIDE TO LISTENER - CLOSE) After the recent dates I had been on Devon was just what I needed but at the same time totally wrong for me, think Jude Law in Alfie dressed impeccably in an Italian suit. He was the first of my dates to swing a chopstick with ease.
DEVON Such as?
LAVINIA It doesn't matter. So Devon, what is it you do? (ASIDE TO LISTENER) He was the owner of a theme park and hopefully stinking rich. I was suddenly aware that I wasn't listening to a word he was saying.
DEVON I've just taken over at Fantasy Island, my father recently died so I'm now the boss.
LAVINIA Does that mean I can ride all the rides for free? (LAUGHS)
DEVON If you play your cards right. So what about you?
LAVINIA I run my own detective agency.
DEVON I do believe Miss Lavinia, you're my first detective!
LAVINIA Here's to a night of firsts!
DEVON I'll drink to that.
FX GLASSES CLINK
LAVINIA You seem very at ease with women, should I check your closest for skeletons?
DEVON Go ahead, I have nothing to hide.
LAVINIA But you have had a lot of experience with the ladies?
DEVON Not as such, I practically raised my younger sister on my own and she was quite a handful…
FX MOBILE RINGS
DEVON Excuse me, it's work. I'd better take this.
FX DEVON'S CONVERSATION CAN BE HEARD IN SNIPPETS DURING LAVINIA'S SPEECH
DEVON Bradshaw here…what are you talking about, there's never been a problem with that ride in years…ok, I'll be right in.
LAVINIA I have just about the right amount of hormones and champagne coursing through my veins; this night could go anywhere. Let the good times roll.
LAVINIA Is everything ok?
DEVON There's been an accident at Fantasy Island; a large explosion and a train jumped its tracks. I'm sorry to cut the evening short but I have to get back to the park.
LAVINIA Don't apologise, I'm having too good an evening for it to end now, I'm coming with you.
FADETo 'Crime Crackers' INTRODUCTION