Episodes 1-5 Script: James Henry (edited by Alan Beck)


1:COMPUTER It is the year three thousand and one. Humanity has conquered the stars, connecting with a thousand alien races. Machine intelligence has grown exponentially, with new cyborg technology blurring ever further the boundaries between man and machine. Even the laws of Time itself are proving no match for human and machine ingenuity.

But, in their exploration of the galaxy, humanity has carried with it its age-old weaknesses. Wars of jealousy and hatred are still fought. Greedy corporations still oppress millions in their quest for profit. Yet, through all this, a light still shines. In the beginning of the twenty-first century, before the First Information War, a great hero left a legacy that would guide humanity on its precarious journey to the stars. A hero whose very name would become a byword for bravery, and tolerance, and sacrifice. From the poison moon of Rigel Four, to the acid swamps of Magella, one name would inspire humanity to perform its greatest deeds, and overcome its own lowest weaknesses.

This hero's journey began a thousand years ago. And his name was Mumford. Dave Mumford.






2:WOMAN: (slight distance) Wait! Wait!

3:DAVE: (sotto voce) Ah, brunette. Marvellous. Here we go….

4:WOMAN: I'm sure I've still got a couple of minutes on the meter…


6:DAVE (sympathetically) Ooh, not now you haven't.

7:WOMAN: But I'm back now.

8:DAVE: Yes, I'm terribly sorry, but as traffic warden of this borough, I'm afraid I must administer those financial reprimands that come within my power to… er, administer.

9:WOMAN: Sorry?

10:DAVE: I've still got to give you a ticket.

11:WOMAN: I don't believe this!

12:DAVE: Now, where's my pen?

13:WOMAN: I've been visiting a friend. In hospital.

14:DAVE: You're a doctor, are you?

15:WOMAN: No, I'm a physiotherapist.

16:DAVE: Oh right. Don't do massage, I suppose?

17:WOMAN: What? This is outrageous!

18:DAVE: Now, where did I put that pen….

19:WOMAN: (finally losing temper) I've got a very important appointment to go to, and if I'm late it'll be your fault. So stop going on about your bloody pen!

20:DAVE: (patiently) Only the thing is, you see, if I can't find my pen, it becomes very hard for me to write you a ticket.

21:WOMAN: What are you….. (The penny drops) Oh.

22:DAVE: So do you fancy going out for a drink?

23:WOMAN: What?

24:DAVE: Well if I don't give you a ticket, I'll have saved you upwards of twenty pound. So the drinks can be on you.


25:DAVE Look, I'm not just a traffic warden, you know. Actually I'm a writer.

26:WOMAN Really.

27:DAVE Yes, this is just a sort of part-time job. More sort of research really. Life out on the streets, that sort of thing. Meeting women on the street. Not that I'm suggesting you're a "street woman". Unless you are. Which would be fine. Obviously.



28:WOMAN: Do you know, I've always had a bit of a thing for men in uniform.

29:DAVE: Really?

30:WOMAN: Is that your badge?

31:DAVE: Er, yes. Yes it is.

32:WOMAN: It's very shiny.

33:DAVE: Well I polish it every day. And there's my name. Dave. Dave Mumford. And there's my number.

34:WOMAN: Actually, Dave Mumford, I think I've already got your number.

35:DAVE: Beg pardon?



37:DAVE: (in enormous pain) Oooooh, gawd!

38:WOMAN: Right. That was for the massage comment. And if you've made me miss my Indian Head Massage, I'll be back to knee you in the other one.

39:DAVE: (low moaning sound)



Dave's low moaning goes into reverse, with increasing speed, zipping back through the preceding scenes until we get back to….


1:WOMAN: I've been visiting a friend. In hospital. She's sick, I mean. She doesn't work there or anything. So I was on a mission of mercy.

(NOTE: Traffic noises should still be bed under this scene.)

2:DAVE: She said, her tone pleading, but her eyes…. Her eyes were issuing a challenge. He who dares, they said, would win.


3:DAVE: A mission of mercy? I understand. I've been on a few of those myself. Not the sort of thing I can really talk about though. Secret service, you understand.

4:WOMAN: I knew you had to be more than a mere traffic warden. With that build, and your commanding presence, and your amazing hair.

5:DAVE: Yes, it is great, isn't it?

6:WOMAN: I want to run my fingers through your amazing hair, Dave Mumford. I want to take you home, and see you right.

7:DAVE: And maybe when we're there, you could tell me when you started working for Colonel Xavier.

8:WOMAN: Curse you!

9:DAVE: Ha! Yes, the minute I-

10:TONE: (shouting) Oy, Dave!

11:FX: Traffic bed screeches to a halt, replaced by canteen noise bed.



1:DAVE: Oh, er, all hello Tone. Sorry, I was miles away.

2:TONE: Blimey, don't get much cheese roll for your pound here, do you? So how are the Dave Mumford Diaries coming on?

3:DAVE: Well, you know, got to keep with all these shift changes they keep throwing at us…

4:TONE: Oh, is that right? Only Melv, works in Stores, he says it's a bit more like you regularly rewrite the events of the day, but incorporate elements of action film plots and unconvincingly over-the-top romance in a self-aggrandizing bid to inject a little glamour into your dreary everyday existence.


5:DAVE: Melv said that, did he?

6:TONE: Wee-ell, it was more the other day you left your diary lying around, so Melv flicked through it and shouted 'get a load of this cobblers!' So it was more in the sub-text really.

7:DAVE: Okay. Thanks Tone.

8:TONE: We had a right laff, though. So what's the plan then? You reckon in a thousand years someone'll dig it up and reckon you were some kind of action hero?


9:DAVE: (unconvincingly) No, actually. Just wanted to leave a bit of a legacy for, you know, the future.

10:FX: Canteen bed fades, and Dave's "the future" repeats, speeding up into a high-pitched whine, blasting into Scene 3…..




1:BRIAN Reporting in, Boss. Silica's just behind me.

2:ZELDA Thank God. I thought I'd lost you both.

3:BRIAN Where's Jenny?

4:FX Volley of laser blasts.

5:ZELDA Whoa! It's okay, just keep behind this statue. Angel's fine, Brian, just taking out the wounded. (Shouts) SILICA! What are you doing?

6:FX Volley of laser blasts.

7:SILICA Worth a try, Boss.

8:ZELDA Well, no more stupid chances. Let's keep this professional, shall we?

9:SILICA So you've got the target cornered in the control room then?

10:ZELDA Well, if by 'cornered' you mean 'are we cowering behind a statue while the target holes up in an impregnable bunker protected by sentry guns', then yes, he's cornered. Brian, can you patch into the control room mainframe?

11:BRIAN I'm on it.

12:FX Tippety-tapping and beeping noises.

13:SILICA I'm going to try and take out those sentry guns.

14:ZELDA SILICA! No way. It's too dangerous.

15:SILICA On three, okay?


16:SILICA One…

17:FX Running footsteps, away. Massive volley of laser blasts, running footsteps, back.

18:SILICA Okay, got my left arm blown off, to some extent.

19:FX Sparks and whirring noises.

20:BRIAN You okay?

21:SILICA I'm annoyed. Custom fitted, that one. Cost a fortune. Sorry Boss.

22:ZELDA What happened to two and three?

23:SILICA I thought I'd try and confuse him. Oh well, one arm and two legs left. That's three more tries.

24:FX Another massive volley of laser fire, followed by explosions.

25:SILICA Okay, I'll stay here.

26:ZELDA Time for a change of tactics. Any reinforcements coming?

27:BRIAN Negative. Target closed all the bulkheads behind us. Time City cops're cutting through, but it'll take hours.

28:ZELDA Just us and him then. What to do, what to do….


29:SILICA We're idiots!

30:ZELDA More specifically?

31:SILICA We're in Time City! Distance doesn't matter here. If Brian can get into that mainframe, we can just port in a couple of hover tanks and let them get on with it. And we can port ourselves out as they come in.

32:BRIAN I don't know. I'm nearly in, but the best I can give is a three microsecond window.

33:ZELDA And again in Galactic Standard English?

34:BRIAN One person in. Just one. And no-one out.

35:SILICA Just one person. Great.

36:ZELDA Depends on the person. Silica, look. Whose statue are we cowering behind?


37:SILICA No way! That's impossible!

38:ZELDA Not here. All the records show he disappeared suddenly. No-one saw him go. This is the one place, the one time we can bring him to us. There won't even be a paradox.

39:BRIAN If you're right.

40:ZELDA I'm right. Brian, do it.

41:BRIAN I'm in. Here goes.

42:FX Beeping noises, then a whirring sound, quiet at first, but rapidly getting louder.

43:SILICA It's working!

44:ZELDA (Shouting to be heard above the noise) All right people! Let's get ready to meet the greatest hero the universe has ever seen!






1:FX Flushing toilet, zip, humming sound getting louder.

2:DAVE Aaaaaaaargh! (screaming fades away)








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