IS THAT HOW THOSE CHARACTERS 'REALLY' SPEAK?
You must alway redraft and redraft.
Write like people really speak - chop it up - no 'and - no 'big' words - incomplete phrases. Listen more to how people talk in real life, especially in situations where they are emotional, and where they reveal themselves. Get the RHYTHM of the character's body, lungs - and how this translates into the scene situation. BREATHE WITH THE CHARACTER. Mostly cut out 'and'. And the 'but'. Interesting characters do not go on and on. Thoughts come to our minds and out from our mouths in separate sentences. EXAMPLE - CUT OUT THAT 'AND' When you type dialogue for your first draft, you are inclined to go on and on, and come up with 'literary' dialogue - NOT DIALOGUE THAT LIVES, BUT IT ONLY BELONGS TO THE PAGE. By NOT stringing sentences together, and by letting them live on their own, you are giving your actors more to realise and more to work with. No long 'monologues' in dialogue. Break up characters' speeches. If someone goes on for more than one sentence, is that justified? Be tough with yourself on every word. CUT THAT OUT! - Is that phrase (sentence) necessary? Every word & phrase must earn its place in the script. ASK - Why would the listeners want to hear that? (Read it aloud.) Always be ready to redraft. You will not always get it right first time round. No repetition EXCEPT FOR A PURPOSE. Don't explain too much. Make your listeners work. Character is revealed in action.
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